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About MARIAL MARIAL in the News Challenges aside, marriage is for black people The Atlanta Journal-Constitution April 30, 2006 By Riché Jeneen Barnes An April 16 article in @issue called “Marriage is for white people” did not sit well in my spirit, as the church mothers I grew up with often say. Two themes emerge in Joy Jones’ article that need to be sorted out before we read the numbers and decide that blacks have rejected marriage. It’s true that marriage rates are declining among black people. But I disagree with the idea that our culture/community has decided that marriage is not for us and we would rather be alone. My research of professional African-American women in metro Atlanta shows that they were raised to be independent. Their parents sent them to college with a focus on pursuing professional degrees. And while they wish for their daughters marriage, family, and career, they understand that the historical reality is that these women must be able to take care of themselves. After graduating college, they are focused on getting a good job, growing in their careers and taking care of themselves. They want to get married, but they aren’t necessarily looking for a mate. Many do not like to divide the African-American community into classes, but class does play a major role in how we live and how we expect our lives to turn out. When a young person from southeast Washington D.C. says “marriage is for white people,” there is a whole host of issues embedded in that remark. Not the least of which is the fact that he is most likely from a single-parent home and knows few to no married couples, black or white. In fact, what he knows about white people is probably what he sees on TV, which reflects anything but the reality of American households, black or white. There was a time when black people aspired to become part of the middle class, and those who did were expected to reach back and pull up others behind them who were struggling. But today, many who try to achieve a middle-class lifestyle are accused of “acting white.” Hip-hop culture often celebrates and glamorizes drug use and violence, incarceration, absentee fatherhood, misogyny. Things that were once a source of shame now seem to be a source of pride. In other words, we are holding ourselves back. And when Bill Cosby and others stand up and say we have to take responsibility for our own destiny, they are ridiculed and scorned. I do not suggest that marriage will solve all our problems. It won’t. But I reject the notion that marriage is not for blacks. How do we change the dire marriage statistics? A first step is to bring attention to blacks who choose to get married and thus provide models of marriage, however difficult, at work. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. We all have. A friend of mine was doing fine by herself in Chicago but decided to move and take a new position to be with her mate. He is a successful college-educated, never-been-to-jail black man who had a child from a previous marriage, thus making her a stepmother. Before they got married, she had owned two houses on her own, and he had, too. They sold them, and bought a house together. The husband has joint custody of his child. My married friends and I all experienced some drama after we said “I do.” We are all still married, and we have decided we will not leave unless we are faced with the three As – adultery, addiction, or abuse. Even then, we will think long and hard about the circumstances. These days, when we get together, we talk about the same things that white people do: work, the kids, our husbands, our homes, our communities, and when we will find the time to get together again. My husband and I are living proof that marriage is for black people, and we are surrounded by friends whose marriages reinforce that truth. Together we are a village, and each of us helps to nurture and support our children, each other and our community. Riché Jeneen Barnes is a graduate fellow with the Emory Center for Myth and Ritual in American Life (MARIAL), a Sloan Center for Working Families at Emory University. Her research concerns professional African-American couples and how they balance work and family life. She is working on a doctorate in anthropology. She lives in Atlanta with her husband and three small children.
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