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American etiquette still alive, says Miss Manners "You don't find any havens of politeness elsewhere," said Miss Manners, also known as Judith Martin, whose syndicated column appears in 200 newspapers, including the Journal-Constitution. She speaks today at the Michael C. Carlos Museum on the Emory University campus. There are bad manners in Europe? OK, we'll spot you France and Germany, but what about England, that haven of civility? "It depends on whether you're referring to their soccer fans or their royalty," said the deportment diva, with tongue in cheek. "Both have had some rather conspicuous moments of bad taste." Martin (who clearly isn't above chuckling at the foibles of others) has always delivered her suggestions for "excruciatingly correct" behavior with a dry wit. Yet there's an earnest message in her latest book, Star-Spangled Manners: In Which Miss Manners Defends American Etiquette (For a Change). The message: Despite reports of its death, there really is an American etiquette. It springs from the phrase "All men are created equal," and it was consciously created as an egalitarian antidote to the class-consciousness of Europe. Some of the framers, in fact, got a bit carried away with the egalitarian part, including Thomas Jefferson, whose famously anti-authoritarian seating plan at the presidential table turned mealtime into a melee. "Bless his heart he just overdid it," said Martin, speaking from her home in Washington, D.C. Her book provides, among other things, a droll portrait of our Revolutionary leaders and their struggles to form not only a more perfect union but a well-mannered one. Since Martin will speak today under the auspices of Emory's Center for Myth and Ritual in American Life, a group that studies everyday rituals, we began our conversation there: Q: You plan to speak about ritual at Emory. What is the ritualistic function of etiquette? A: It is the language of human behavior. How better to understand what's going on and to try to puzzle it out than by looking at etiquette? . . . Human beings crave ritual; it gives us continuity in dealing with events that are emotionally overpowering, like marriage and death. Q: You point out that today we've sacrificed both ritual and manners. Have we reached the moment of desperation that will precipitate a call for better manners? A: We are, I hope, at the conclusion of a couple of generations of child-rearing where people have been told 'Assert yourself, and don't care what anybody else thinks.' . . . People will [eventually] realize if they want to live in a pleasant society then they have to yield a little, and be pleasant themselves. Q: In competing etiquettes, are there absolutes that cross cultural lines? A: The only absolute is that you have to have some system. What you base it on has to be a little bit flexible. Q: Such as first come, first served? A: First come, first served is a good foundation, which is why call waiting is an abomination, because that says last come, first served. Q: How have bad manners swamped our legal system? A: [Our current glut of lawsuits] is the result of a society trying to do without recognizing the authority of etiquette. We believe that you should be able to do anything you are legally permitted to do. What goes along with that is that people have to tolerate annoying, disgusting behavior, and people don't like annoying and disgusting behavior. So they turn to the law. Q: We note that you implicate competing etiquettes in the North and South as one of the precipitators of the Civil War. A: I didn't say it was the only cause, please be clear about that. But when people have deeper problems they often do use etiquette as a weapon in the battle. Q: And now, an important question: Why do we leave the bottom vest button unbuttoned? A: That's a leftover from the fact that Edward the 7th, Prince of Wales, couldn't get his bottom button closed because he ate too much. Q: And we still do this today? A: That's a fact of traditions. They don't have to make sense.
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