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About MARIAL MARIAL in the News Nurture the routine of bringing family back to the table The Boston Globe By Maggie Jackson, Globe Correspondent
For those who can manage it, the family dinner is a lifeboat in a sea of busy-ness, a time when the many obligations and distractions pulling us apart today are at least temporarily stilled. As I mentioned in a previous column, the benefits are dramatic: Family meals help protect children from drugs, depression and alcohol, and foster better grades, eating habits and levels of self-confidence. But how do you get into the habit, especially at this extra-busy time of year? A big holiday feast is tough enough. Pulling off a nightly dinner can seem impossibly daunting. And yet nurturing the routine isn't as hard as you think, if you take the right approach. Here's how: Make a commitment. We schedule so much else of our lives, why not the family meal, suggests Miriam Weinstein, a filmmaker and author of ''The Surprising Power of Family Meals'' (Steerforth Press, 2005) who's based in Manchester-by-the-Sea. By marking ''family dinner'' on the calendar, then you are more committed and can plan ahead. ''If you don't have the institution in place, it's much less likely to happen,'' says Weinstein, who ate dinner regularly with her now-grown children. Set the stage. You don't need to be fancy, but try to be civilized. Grabbing pizza slices from the kitchen and disappearing to separate rooms doesn't count, nor does snacking in the minivan. Put out place settings. Light candles. Set the stage for a good experience. ''Everybody likes having a place where they are welcomed and wanted and where they belong,'' says Marialisa Calta, author of ''Barbarians at the Plate: Taming and Feeding the Modern American Family'' (Perigee, 2005). Create refuge. My mother used to walk off an imaginary line across the kitchen, showing us where we could and couldn't play while she was preparing dinner. Today, we need to draw ''lines in the sand'' around meals if we want to create the peace needed to connect with each other. That means switching off the television, phone, and other devices during meals and focusing on one another. Kempton Flemming, a City of Boston Treasury Department worker, says he and his family sometimes watch the news during dinner but always ignore the phone. ''That's the time you can share ideas, converse, and discuss family matters,'' says Flemming, who eats at least four nights weekly with his wife, Cheryl, and three children, Teresia, 23, Nadane, 17, and Kempton Jr., 16. ''It's not just eating.'' Relax and have fun. Once you've carved out a place and time, chill and have fun. Some families play simple word games at the table to get conversation flowing. Noticing this, John Pandiscio, a former advertising executive and a father of two in Franklin, invented ''FamilyTimeFun Dinner Games & Activities,'' a boxed set of 51 games on laminated cards that my daughters, ages 13 and 9, tried and loved. Dinnertime also is a great time for telling stories, about your day or your crazy Uncle Dave. A three-year study by Emory University professors Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke found that preteens whose families tell such lore at dinner have higher self-esteem and better peer relations during adolescence, because they know their own history and identity. ''Those families really seem to be installing a sense of well-being in their children,'' says Fivush. Starting a family meal habit may take a little effort, but it's worthwhile. If you can't gather in the evening, try breakfast. If you can't cook, do takeout by candlelight. And if you think you can't sit down together because of your family's many sports or other obligations, Weinstein rightly reminds us that dinner is an important ''practice'' too — for the time when your children have their own families to nurture. < More MARIAL in the News |