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About MARIAL
Home is Where the Heart Is MARIAL graduate fellow Jennifer B. Saunders, a PhD candidate in religion, is quoted on transnationalism Intro: In a global village where Americans dial call-centres in India to check their bank balances, inter-continental marriages are gaining currency. ‘Cultural alienation’, identity ‘crises’ and ‘second-class citizens’ are some of the phrases used to describe the immigrant experience. In a country, where sugar looks like salt, how does one make a happy soufflé of East and West? Those enamoured by the western lifestyle ‘wow’ at – Chanel, soy lattes, Brad Pitt, sushi, Porsche.… And then there are others who pity the pardesis: Why live a marooned life with no domestic help? Reality is at neither end of the spectrum. Life, be it in India or beyond, is what you make of it. Suitable Boy Reality Series Just like a toddler, one has to learn by observation. The first few months are the toughest. Differences in routine life jut out like sharp edges. Yet, it is simply a matter of acclimatisation. The shoe will fit, once you break it in. The advantage of moving to the U.S today versus 30 years ago is that jalebi, Hindi flicks, paan…it is here. But not a maid to bring your morning cuppa. This is a D.I.Y. society. You want something, go fetch it. Back in India, I was downright lazy, the typical, ‘pani-lao’ memsahib. Here, I absolutely relish my privacy. I love grocery-shopping with my husband, planting bulbs in a flowerbed with my two-year old, painting his room, helping a friend build a tree house – versus watching Star T.V. and chugging beer at some hip joint every other night. Not bringing an ayah from India was a prudent choice. My son and I visit museums, go for art and music classes, puppet shows, storytelling. Often, we even go out to lunch together – the list is endless. My Indian peers were quick to warn me about the pitfalls of leaving children in day-care. These are the very women who flounce from kitty parties to jewellery stores while the ayah raises their children. ‘Quality time’ is not just reading a book with your child, it is the bonding over diaper changes, baking muffins together, doing the laundry and also sweeping with a toddler-sized broom! I spend time with my son in ways I would never have done in India. On the flipside, my son doesn’t get to meet his cousins often. He doesn’t get to eat ‘nani ke haath ka khana’. But his favourite food is aloo paratha. His gut is Indian! Proud to be Indian In an age of religious dissent and incessant terrorism, wielding a native flag or hanging a swastika above one’s door is inappropriate. Racism is a reality. According to Sharmila Rudrappa, a sociology professor at the University of Texas, “Especially after the September 11th terrorist attacks in the U.S., there is heightened xenophobia, both by the American State and by civil society against people who are brown. For a few months right after the 9/11 attacks, racism – hate speech, violent acts, threatening gestures – were directed at women as well. I was spat at while walking very close to campus. Yes, you do get hassled on streets in India but that is a very different kind of hassling -- unlike the blatant xenophobic reactions here. Nothing quite prepares you for that.” As a foreigner, you conceivably personify the unknown. According to Virginia B. Wickline, a Ph.D. student of clinical at Emory University, Atlanta, “Immigrants tend to report less discrimination and prejudice in larger cities, which often have more diverse groups of people. By and large, people in metropolitan cities are more open-minded towards those who are different from them.” Ms. Ambassador Initially, I felt like I was walking on eggshells with a smile glued to my face. I tried too hard to portray a positive image of Indians. Good behaviour 24 hours, seven days of the week is exhausting. As I politely fall in line with fellow ants wherever I go – video library, Starbucks -- I feel like I am back at school. I make way for people who are subtly pushy. Sure, go ahead, cut in line (read, screw you). Remember, always cuss in Hindi. As young adults in India, we constantly strive to stand apart – by choosing our own careers, rebelling against arranged marriages, having boyfriends when our parents forbid it, enjoying premarital sex when it is taboo. In a foreign country, we seek the opposite. We want to fit in, to go unnoticed. “I stopped wearing Indian dresses or bindis that often since people stare,” Nikita admits. As comfortable as I am in my denims, I occasionally miss wearing a salwar kameez or a sari. Yet, I would rather blend in wearing blue jeans than stand out like a Christmas tree in June. If you don’t mind the attention, go for it. Home Alone “It becomes a hyper-nuclear family with a much greater dependence on the husband than you might have in India,” warns professor Rudrappa. Once the euphoria of coming to the US wears off and the shopping spree is over, isolation seeps in like dampness in a wall. I could ruin your appetite by describing the tragedy of being home alone with nothing but dirty dishes for company or Oprah, if you are really desperate. All day long you wait for your husband. When he comes home, dog-tired, you want to rewrite the Kama Sutra, he wants to watch football. You can sulk at home and stew in your juices. Or you can venture out – be it a job (if you have the necessary documentation), a hobby, volunteer work at a community centre, exercising at a gym. Recently married Priya Nayar, an ex-Lufthansa stewardess, who moved to Houston from Delhi, enjoys teaching classical dance. Newly wed Mona Rekhi, who moved from Bangalore to Alexandria, over a year ago, is still waiting for her work permit. “I got tired of sitting around the house and watching T.V.. Recently, I started taking piano lessons and I enjoy that very much. I made a lot of friends in the process.” Mona also started attending the weekly satsang at a Sai temple in her neighbourhood. She has met numerous South Asians since then. According to Wickline, “Many individuals find prayer and meditation calming and to be a source of connection with their culture of origin. Making friends with co-nationals and other immigrants helps you realise that others endure similar challenges of adjustment. On the other hand, making friends with Americans helps you better understand the culture and provides knowledge about important systems like schools, government departments, etc…. While many people find it helpful and exciting to learn about ways of life in the U.S., psychological studies show a benefit for people who also maintain some customs and rituals from their home country. Individuals who try to do everything ‘American’ or everything like their home country tend to be least satisfied and most maladjusted. Rather, an integration of the two cultures seems most beneficial.” I do Get Internet savvy – it is an inexpensive, dependable tool. If you are self-conscious about your spoken English, perhaps, you could take a course. You don’t need an accent, just clear diction. Get acquainted with the rules of Western culture, not M.T.V. kitsch. The fiction aisle is replete with authors inspired by immigrant experiences – Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, Shoba Narayan, Jhumpa Lahiri, to name a few. Learn to drive, memsahib, you will need your independence. Be able to cook the goodies you crave. There is only as much soup and salad your taste buds will tolerate. If you are not the athletic type, may I suggest some physical exertion? Swimming, tennis, yoga or just running – move. As you cull the finest ensembles for your trousseau, trade some of the heavy saris for silk kurtas, dupattas and shawls that complement pants and skirts. If you wear only salwar kameezes, get cosy with Levis. Learn to wax and thread. Parlours here do a good job but Punjabi hair grows quick – you will end up spending a huge chunk of change. I also recommend opting for a desi parlour versus some chichi, would-you-like-some-green-tea spa. Indian hair - camomile wax? Never the twain shall stick. Lay on the heavy-duty stuff! The most important thing to do is to make the most of the opportunities and freedom that the West offers. You can become almost anything you want -- a vet, a chef, a professor -- at any age. Get a job, earn some money and make your own friends -- you will melt into the pot like butter. A Mail a Day If you have the opportunity to interact with Mr. N.R.I. before getting hitched, toss around issues like money management, ex-girlfriends, abortion, expectations that he or his parents may have from Mrs. N.R.I.. You may also want to ask your husband to-be to identify a few gynaecologists in the city. Don’t take things for granted. You will not have a safety net or emotional help to deal with issues. There are numerous support groups and shelters for South Asian women in the U.S.. Aqsa Farooqui, a counsellor with one such support group in Atlanta, says, “You will be surprised at the kind of women that come in for help. Many of them are doctors, lawyers and teachers. They struggle with issues of physical and mental abuse.” Ask your family to do a background check on Mr. N.R.I. before you pack your bags. The experience of living abroad, with practically only one person
close to me and the rest of my family thousands of miles away, taught
me the importance of self-preservation. To make sure I am happy.
To seek out ways to lift my spirits -- like a dog that finds someone
to scratch its head. As Ben Stein says in his book, How to Ruin
Your Life, “Persons from every background can find love
-- or they can find loneliness. It is very largely up to the individual.” < More MARIAL in the News |